Birch Bed

2012-01-22T15:02:00.001-08:00

how did i get myself into this?!

friday the 13th

2012-01-13T23:14:00.001-08:00

and every time i hear your name
my stomach jumps up and flips around

2012-01-11T21:35:00.000-08:00

you're not brave enough for me

2012-01-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

brita left yesterday.

feels so strange already.

oly is gonna be empty.

life, together

2012-01-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

(1) fixing bike
(2) emailed about volunteering at needle exchange
(3) got into public health class
(4) fixing spinning wheel
(5) ordered textbooks
(6) moving

miss mia

2012-01-04T22:32:00.000-08:00

just say "its over"

2012-01-02T23:57:00.000-08:00

i guess you have

why am i trying?

2011-12-25T22:36:00.000-08:00

first letter i wrote you was way too long
way too crazy way too scary way too sad
second letter i wrote you was way too short
just said i love you baby please come back
eighth ime that i tried i swear i couldnt even write
just curled up and cried all by myself

2011-12-22T03:24:00.000-08:00

i'm still very much in love with you

2011-12-21T01:04:00.000-08:00

maybe if i close my eyes ill be back in jayden's basement, nodding my head while you rock
and i wish now, just like i wished back then that we never have to ever grow up

sea island cotton

2011-12-15T23:06:00.000-08:00

i bought it because it reminds you of her, but it reminds me of you
maybe if i use it enough, it will become "mine" as if it was always "mine"

but it will always be hers
and im left with these constant reminders

2011-12-15T10:42:00.000-08:00

moving in january
all i want to do is shop for little trinkets and sheets and candles
i want to have fresh flowers in my room all the time
and new plates and cups (even though they already have plates and cups)
i need a good, upright chair for my spinning wheel
i hope they let me keep my spinning wheel in the living room
because my room is the size of a closet
maybe i should use books as furniture
i want the cute blue desk of bryan's, but its been left at the boy's house...
and look into curtains, i think i want curtains
no more animals
no more bathroom in my room

when should i start packing?

its all happening

2011-12-11T23:28:00.000-08:00

finally moving my life to a new town
learning to make a town my home
wishing i still had an attachment to this place, something to keep me here
something to make me stay

new week

2011-12-02T23:18:00.000-08:00

ok, pity party week has officially ended.
non-pity party week begins now.
to do:
(1) finish all of the letters ive started
(2) stop worrying about love
(3) accept the fact that i am awkward and confused
(3.5) try to use it to some advantage
(4) stare longingly at the most beautiful kale i've ever seen, yum
(4.5) eat lots of it
(5) look forward to moving to oly, which is soo close!
(6) stop buying silly things to make yourself feel better
(it doesn't really work)
(7) remember all of the beautiful people and things around and ditch
the ones you're trying to make beautiful (that also doesn't work)

do it, or max will getcha!

reinventing

2011-12-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

(1) no more obligations
(2) sleeping in everyday
(3) new hobbies
(4) fast forward 3 months
(5) getting my hopes up
(6) I just have no idea what i want to do right now
(6.5) gonna fill my life with stuff

2011-11-28T01:41:00.001-08:00

i only want one person in the world.
he won't talk to me anymore.

2011-11-22T21:07:00.000-08:00

writing about poshhill is making me sad
this close to putting on paul baribeau and laying in bed

new life

2011-11-07T22:13:00.000-08:00

http://mouthkissing.tumblr.com/

very slow, slow moving

2011-11-06T01:03:00.000-07:00

i want a tumblr but i dont get it and im confused and nervous about what i would do as my first post
humph

2011-11-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

Oh what I lost
I went back to get my stuff
And it was tangled up and tough
I stood there and stared you down
And I walked aimlessly around
With a flaming pumpkin head

Oh what a loss
I miss my closest friend
And now I cling to rocks and wind
It's a precious thing we lost

for whitney

2011-11-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

i so happy!

2011-11-02T22:38:00.000-07:00

because im so much better than you! aha!

2011-11-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

bought a new almond-scented candle at work, after whitney and i shopped for soap. i keep getting whiffs and being confused, then i remember i have it lit behind me. so many blankets on my bed. i can only really listen to lady voices right now. i think i might go buy that red dress tomorrow. i have nothing better to do, (possibly better things to do with my money), i want it.

all you have to do this week:

2011-10-30T22:41:00.000-07:00

(1) work
(2) go to one halloween party
(2.5) have fun at it
(3) go to wayward
(4) work on a paper
(5) don't think about the future

otherwise, you can hide under the covers and sleep or hide at kate's house and knit
anything til friday

will this come back?

2011-10-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

2011-10-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

i hate your new life and your stupid priorities.
i hate how much you drink and your new little friends.
i hate that you're not my best friend anymore.
i hate that you ignore me.
I hate that we've all grown up and apart.
i hate that i care at all.

2011-10-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

don't do anything you'll regret. especially late at night, when you really wanna.

Ben Harper - Walk Away

2011-10-20T00:04:00.000-07:00

"christmas lights"

2011-10-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

i spent six month of my life just wanting to die
im learning how to be alone, without being lonely,
learning how to be lonely without losing my mind

too real

i try to lose you

2011-10-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

but i can't forget you

rules you are going by

2011-10-18T21:39:00.000-07:00

we both have so many rules. we follow the rules and then we break them.
i know why we made these rules, they are suppose to prevent the hurt.
but it hurts too bad to not be with you.

i am home now

2011-10-09T00:51:00.000-07:00

all of my energy and thoughts went into going east. now that i am home, i have to go back into messy "real life". i have to start planning and working towards my next goal, which is to get the fuck to oly, and go to school eventually.
i don't want to go out.
i want to see people but it seems overwhelming and it seems that everyone is far too busy to hang out with me.
maybe thats a good thing, to not see anyone.
the two people i want to see the most wont talk to me.

yes, i am very lonely. i believe it is probably for the best.
i am suprisingly optimistic for how sad and overwhelmed i feel.

2011-08-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

this is one of my very best friends, Mia.
She is swimming in a big pond very far away in Europe.
I didn't get to swim once this summer.
I don't think I will.
I can't wait to swim in the reservoir at Hampshire.
I miss New England too much right now.

2011-08-17T23:28:00.000-07:00

this is my family.

2011-08-12T01:04:00.000-07:00

(1) anxiety (trying to avoid)
(2) making plans
(3) i can see you but i cant touch you
(4) needing to be alone
(4.5) not wanting to
(5) emotional abuse
(6) please stay longer, don't leave sooner

ill not contain you

2011-08-11T02:32:00.001-07:00

i want to have an off whit house on bethel, or maybe yew street. i want to have one of those gardens that so full of different flowers, the smell strikes every passerbyer. i want us to live together. i want us to bump into each other while we cook. i want to climb on the roof and smoke. i want communication and respect.
i sat with you all night that one time. you didn't come home last night, while i just
wait
wait
wait

what do i want with my life now that i'm blinded by your light?
what do i endlessly ask about, now that your love swells and pounds me?
i know nothing now that i know you, you're fog's wrapped around me

Jive Bombers - Bad Boy

2011-04-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

2011-04-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

(1) bonfires in the woods
(2) mysterious sore throat
(3) not liking beer
(4) packing my things
(4.5) moving home
(5) drinking mead on the quad

its your life, its your dream

2011-04-16T10:52:00.000-07:00

Off the Grid is a study done by Photographer Keliy Anderson-Staley of 30 families living in Maine without electricity, plumbing, or phones.
"Although they have all rejected aspects of the modern world, their beliefs and commitments vary widely—ranging from environmentalism to evangelism to anarchism. Yet the families living in these homes—and on the occasional commune—form a sort of makeshift community. I see this project as an examination of how homes become an expression of personal ideology. I am especially interested in depicting the relationships between people and their homes through the mundane details of the material worlds they have built around themselves."

i love this project because she neither romanticizes nor overestimates this lifestyle. its just raw and beautiful.

18 year crisis

2011-04-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

is it true that everyone goes through a crisis at this age?
what is it about "becoming an adult" and feeling completely lost?

i've had the worst few weeks of my life. horrible stomach aches, to total depression, to sinus infection. My mom came to school last week to help me figure out how to finish off the semester with only two classes. Though I'm happy to have less work so that I can figure out my depression and anxiety, it means I have to take a class over summer, probably at Seattle Central.

I just don't know if school is the right thing for me right now. I've been thinking a lot about taking a year and finding an intentional community to live in. I'm tired of paying tons of money to be given bits of knowledge. I just want to learn how to live on my own, by just being. I want to learn how to survive with only the essentials, but i feel like that knowledge has been appropriated from me to the point that i'll never ever get it back. I think it might be important for me to break off and go somewhere and get that knowledge back, and hopefully in the processes figure out who I am.

I just don't know if I should stay at Hampshire, or go to school closer to home, or just take time off. it is a terrifying feeling.

2011-03-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

(1) i need my own kitchen
(2) all the snow has melted
(3) ten page paper
(3.5) due thursday
(4) do i really want to be vegan
(5) cannot wait for summer
(6) being absent from the internet
(7) figuring out maybe what i want to do with my life
(8) just get through this week
(9) glad that things are warming up

2011-02-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

huckleberry binge

2011-02-22T21:23:00.000-08:00

t liebowitz

solid gold

2011-02-20T19:38:00.000-08:00

i have friends made of solid gold.
they fill me up and make me whole,
but i miss them everyday.

Dear Nora - Girl from the North Country (Dylan Cover)

2011-02-14T19:47:00.000-08:00

oh so beautiful!
Happy Valentines Day!

anon

2011-02-13T13:34:00.001-08:00

i just found an anonymous comments saying:
i enjoy you online much more than i enjoy you face to face

yikes.

2011-02-12T20:45:00.000-08:00

I found an old Seattle DIY zine. I made sauerkraut today.I'm getting a kombucha mama. I'm thinking about moving off campus next year. In a class about "complementary medicine". i need to think of a final project. quitting smoking. I got a stick and poke. it says "PNW". I'm very homesick sometimes. got a job in the film/photo building. arnica oil for sore muscles. I'm doing food not bombs tomorrow. I wanna climb rattlesnake so bad right now! I'm going to school "for public health". I'm in a class on how to spin wool into yarn. Buying herbs for the Dandelion Den.

2011-02-07T13:27:00.000-08:00

i know that it is not our time right now,
that you and i are in different places,
but i still miss you so much

2011-01-27T10:07:00.001-08:00

2011-01-27T10:02:00.001-08:00

I watched Dig last night,
it reminded me of you guys, and us, and how we grew up, and where we will go
because they're all good, but you could be great

winter cold

2011-01-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

in a little part of Massachusetts, I have found a winter wonderland.
every branch and rock is covered with a thin layer of white snow, making the forest look icy and gray but extremely beautiful.
it means lots of tea, smoking inside,
i c e c o l d hands that won't warm up no matter what

this january term, thirteen days of classes, is a perfect time to read, learn to croquette, draw pictures, watch Planet Earth with Morgan, go on frozen forest walks, have Max come and visit, and make a bunch of new friends.

so much courtney marie andrews, thanksgiving, lau nau, slow stuff

alyson fox

2010-11-17T17:52:00.000-08:00

what does a home look like?

2010-11-17T17:31:00.000-08:00

fall to winter

2010-11-17T17:24:00.000-08:00

its getting so cold outside!

2010-11-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna live outside of your locked doors, happily
And I'll never come and knock on one of them and ask you for a single thing
And I'll never huff and puff and blow down your house.
I'm not the big bad wolf, I'm just like a tiny little mouse or a clown or the boy you talk about.

i'm gonna spend my life up, like a hundred bucks.

unitl I die.

2010-10-24T20:28:00.001-07:00

i dont know the person ive become.

adulteress, mistress, intrigue, blame, pain

2010-10-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

noone will find out.

2010-10-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

people always think its weird that i cant wait to be pregnant. But i think that that's really weird. I can"t wait to be pregnant and grow something inside my belly. And I will have my child in my home, i hope.I can't wait, i think about it too much.

my favorite artist, only

2010-10-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

tears, stupid tears

2010-10-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

2010-10-14T22:47:00.000-07:00

Feeling small, very small
All, all the time
Been feeling like this
Since junior high
When will it all stop

Daniel Dale Johnston (born January 22, 1961) is an American singer, songwriter, musician, and artist. Johnston was the subject of the 2006 documentary The Devil and Daniel Johnston. He currently lives in Waller, Texas.
Johnston has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder which has been a recurring problem throughout his life. One critic from Pitchfork Media writes that Johnston's recordings range from "spotty to brilliant."

Listen up and I'll tell a story
About an artist growing old
Some would try for fame and glory
Others aren't so bold

The artist walks alone
Someone says behind his back,
"He's got his gall to call himself that!
He doesn't even know where he's at!"
The artist walks among the flowers
Appreciating the sun
He does this all his waking hours
But is it really so wrong?

2010-10-14T22:39:00.000-07:00

i want peace, and solace, and beauty.

i'm lonely too

2010-10-09T22:23:00.001-07:00

feral children

2010-10-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

too tired to

2010-10-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

take a shower, remember i have a job shift, be excited to go to New York next weekend, enjoy the autumn,
write a letter to you, eat/drink anything more than a cup of coffee, clean my room, take my medication, be polite,

and to show you how much you mean to me (every single person in my life).

2010-10-03T12:54:00.001-07:00

I can't beat myself
I can't beat myself
And I don't want to talk

I'm taking the cure
So I can be quiet
Whenever I want

So leave me alone
You ought to be proud
That I'm getting good marks

2010-10-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up early, dress up, and have brunch with my friends Mabel, Sarah, and Sophia from New York.
On this note, I realized how I have an insanely large amount of brunch pictures. Just pictures of breakfast.
I love breakfast.

wealthy women with cottages

2010-10-01T15:42:00.000-07:00

control yourself.

2010-09-27T21:11:00.000-07:00

2010-09-26T22:27:00.001-07:00

rings of flowers round your eye
s and i love you
for the rest of your life

2010-09-26T22:15:00.001-07:00

that's why i don't tell you my secrets.

2010-09-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

2010-09-26T09:49:00.001-07:00

we're both praying i am the one to save you.

'81

2010-09-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

if your mother could see you now

2010-09-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

got my eyes stuck on you

2010-09-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to do

2010-09-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

spent all my time amongst the animals
and on the tracks i would go, they lead to the sea, to be amongst the animals
all ways do, i would spent a lot of time alone, one would understand me,
maybe i should go, and live, amongst the animals.

what is your home?

2010-09-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

you have tamed me, now you must take me

2010-09-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

I want to grow up to be you.

And I wouldnt raise my child inside the city, anyway
They grow up too savvy and they grow up too fast
And they know about buying shit and they know about sex

2010-09-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

2010-09-15T12:35:00.001-07:00

i smoke Camels, like my father

2010-09-11T14:59:00.000-07:00

who made you this way? who made you this way?

your lover looks like your father

2010-09-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

Garland Richard Thomson, age 16

2010-09-11T04:14:00.001-07:00

what will be your biggest regret?

2010-09-10T14:01:00.000-07:00

i bought white sheets so i would know if i cried myself to sleep.

2010-09-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

i lied about what happened,

said you slipped away

2010-09-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

there are things you will never know

does not suffice

2010-09-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

What?

2010-09-03T22:39:00.000-07:00

what do i want from my home now that im gone?

i want the shades draw.

Massachusetts

2010-08-31T23:52:00.000-07:00

goodbye PNW, goodbye Poshhill, goodbye home.

2010-08-31T10:06:00.000-07:00

why doesn't he love me?

2010-08-26T01:23:00.000-07:00

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

2010-08-24T22:06:00.002-07:00

hold my face up
i can't stop thinking about you

2010-08-24T22:06:00.001-07:00

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 days.

2010-08-23T12:22:00.001-07:00

my own mackey creek

lost wisdom

2010-08-23T02:27:00.000-07:00

i like to think julie and phil wrote and recorded my favorite album in this little house.

too soft, too light

2010-08-20T23:28:00.000-07:00

lets slow down

2010-08-12T01:55:00.001-07:00

if im not doing anything wrong

then why do i feel guilty?

see you in a month, new adventure!

2010-08-09T00:06:00.000-07:00

2010-08-06T00:20:00.001-07:00

you are my very very special friend.